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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Not so easy

We have known each other for the past seven years & are very good friends. We have a good time together & fool around as well! Her hubby & mine are close friends too. Our children are almost of the same age....hers being 5 months older to mine. They had their child after about 9 years of marriage.

I have always wondered....although we are rather close to talk about anything under the sun there has been this thing which I am just unable to talk to her about. Its about her daughter who is around 3 1/2 years old.

She was a premature baby & hence was a little slow in everything right from the beginning. *Thats what I was thinking* But almost a year ago more than one person asked me if something wasn't right with that child. I said its only cos she was a premature baby that she was slow.

But once another parent pointed out to me that I was wrong & that this child is affected by Down's syndrome. I tried to argue that she was wrong but she proved me otherwise. And I had to agree with her as she has specialised in that field & unfortunately her son is also one. I was just so shocked & upset for the next 3 days unable to believe this.

Apparently when I spoke to my hubby about this, he said he knew this fact right from the time of her birth & never mentioned to me as I was pregnant that time & didnt want to upset me.

I wondered why my friend has never spoken about this till date. We always discuss our kids (about their pranks, activities etc) but never once has she even mentioned anything about this. She treats her child like any other normal child. Then I thought this is something to be appreciated cos they have accepted the fact very very well.

But the irony is although they have accepted it well they are not doing anything towards the same. Meaning not taking her to any special school nor any special activity or any special treatment to make things better for this sweet child.

I have been hearing from few others the amount of extra effort one needs to take as parent for these children & earlier the better. Our husbands have discussed this. He agrees to my husband (regarding the special needs etc) but strangely has never done anything about it!

My hassle is I don't know how to bring up this topic to her as she has never spoken about this. It is just not as easy as it sounds as this is such a sensitive issue. But I really wanna help out that child but wondering how to break the ice on this regard.

Any suggestions?

posted by Has to be me @ 2:13 PM  

27 Comments:

  • At 6:18 PM, Blogger Jinguchakka said…

    You think they don't know abt special schooling? Since the Husbands have discussed this, she must also be knowing this. Sometimes these things are too traumatic to be taken a good decision on. They might "know" about their child. They might not have "accepted" that yet. very painful, these are. Maybe you should discuss the child without discussing schooling. Sometime later, she might open up to you at a moment when you can tell what you think.

     

  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger Jackal said…

    ohh this is sad......i think the lady doesnt discuss it with u cozz she desont want to accept in front of u tht her children are not normal..and for tht reason i thik u shud not talk to her directly unless she brings it up herself..but surely ur husband can try again...may be ur husband can arrange his frnd to meet some one who is an expert abt such children n their spl needs....tht just might make him understand...tcc

     

  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger Jackal said…

    ohh this is sad......i think the lady doesnt discuss it with u cozz she desont want to accept in front of u tht her children are not normal..and for tht reason i thik u shud not talk to her directly unless she brings it up herself..but surely ur husband can try again...may be ur husband can arrange his frnd to meet some one who is an expert abt such children n their spl needs....tht just might make him understand...tcc

     

  • At 9:47 PM, Blogger Ponnarasi Kothandaraman said…

    Hi,
    Yeah it sounds a sensitive topic. First let her know about the syndrome. What it is and what are the effects. May be after hearing that she can correlate with her kid and realise she has to do something about it. Its a good thought but you do something about it so no one would regret later. Its hard but open up.
    But never point directly about the kid. Wander around the syndrome and get on to kids in general and may be seeing the depth you can be specific.

     

  • At 10:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    that a real dilemma...

    I do know a child with down's synderome in a friend's family...and the child has improved a lot after going to a special school..

    well my advice to u be to talk to ur friend. If there is a certain amount of personal comfort, I am sure she wont take it to heart or feel bad abt it....just suggest casually if they have thought of sending their child to a special school...bu dont push...ultimately its the parents' decision...and as a friend u can do only as much...

    If its easier for the men to talk, encourage ur husband to perhaps talk to her husband again...or better still go with a suggestion of a school that u know of that will be good for her....

    If I were u, I would hve gently spoken to ur friend....after all...if we r in a situation like that, we'd like our friends to help out, right?

     

  • At 2:10 AM, Blogger Sarah said…

    I am sure the child is doing well..even if she/he is slow compare to a normal child...
    Would like someone to tell you how to raise your child?
    Childhood is a journey..not a race.. and that child and the mother decided to travel it together at their pace..let them..they have a right to.
    Sarah

     

  • At 3:26 AM, Blogger Butterflies said…

    Yup its such a difficult situation for parents...but probably they are scared of the social stigma...thet everyone will come to know that their kids are nt normal...will pray that the kids shd show gud devlopment!

     

  • At 5:42 AM, Blogger Rajesh &Shankari said…

    Some parents live in denial of what is going on around them. I would suggest that you stay away from it coz there can be a rift in your friendship and remember each one has their own way of tackling hardships. If the parents are educated, I am sure they know what they are doing. If your husband has discussed this , I think you should just let it go. I may be wrong, I dont have a child and really cant say I understand....As a mother you must be feeling really worried.

     

  • At 7:16 AM, Blogger Shanthi said…

    Hey my friend's friend's brother is also...

    will surely get back to u with the info on how they handled him...

    we will be able to help them for sure : ) keep up the spirits.

     

  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger geeth said…

    I'm sure she knows about it, but may not have accepted it fully. She may even be shy.

    Since the husbands have talked about it, its best to advice her through him.

    I'm sure when she's ready, she'll open up to you.. a best friend, waiting to hear her.

     

  • At 11:38 AM, Blogger Patty said…

    What is your gut telling you to do? Spend some time listening, and I am sure your answer will become louder.

    I believe that before we are born we design life lessons and enter into agreements with others. Maybe ask yourself "what am I learning from this family?" "What am I able to/meant to learn from this family?"

    Maybe things are progressing just as they are suppose to be? Maybe you are being given an opportunity to support/love/nuture/grow/learn?

    YOU have such a big heart, as well as everything within you to come to the best possible action!

    On a totally different note, I will say I understand that you are hurt that the mom has not shared with you, when you seem to be such good friends. I have a friend that did something illegal, blah, blah, in the paper, blah, blah, a mutual aquaintance told me about it, blah, blah, blah, and this friend has yet to tell me anything about the entire experience. When I look back on our (eighteen year friendship) history, I don't understand this at all, but I have decided that it is not my place to bring it up. At first it was strange being around her, "knowing, but not knowing," but I figured out of respect for this person's privacy and right to choose, if she wants to talk about it she will bring it up. Other's might have confronted her. Is one action right, one wrong? It has to be a personal choice.

    My thoughts are with you.

     

  • At 2:30 AM, Blogger Ekta said…

    :-(
    tricky situation!
    Often parents may not want to accept such things coz its always difficult!
    Well I think ur the best person to take a call on how to handle this--but it might be a good idea to let your husband probably speak to her husband--coz in such situations men usually tend to be more practical than emotional.

     

  • At 2:56 AM, Blogger Me too said…

    A Child's future cannot/shouldn't be compromised! But I'm sure it would pain your friend to hear about it from anyone about how she hasn't taken any steps. Like most said, the husband should take charge.

     

  • At 3:58 AM, Blogger Loga said…

    I feel u should talk with her, though may be she doesn't start, though things may shape well or may not, but still you can feel you have done the right for the child

     

  • At 6:24 AM, Blogger Shanthi said…

    i do believe that they would have discussed abt what to do. pls confirm from ur hubby whether ur friend is aware of this (i am sure she knows). ur friend maybe is trying to make her child move normally with other kids and not separate the kid from others by sending to some special. maybe this will even help the kid to be the same as other kids...

    i am sure u will be ready to listen and help ur friend when she opens up.

    i did find to my surprise that even though ppl are so close they choose to be silent and move normally... acceptance and silence and willingness to listen may be the help we can do.

     

  • At 4:16 PM, Blogger Why Am I said…

    its a good thing they treat their kid as a normal kid...because inferiority also breeds from home...i had a realllyy fat frnd and she was so good at ething...she acted in plays,danced on stage, etc etc, only because of the confidence her parents gave her...obv this is diff from the current situation and i guess the differently abled children need different treatment so they can also enjoy stuff other kids do...u need to do wht u think i rt :)...and i didnt know uw ere married and have a kid!!!

     

  • At 4:16 PM, Blogger Why Am I said…

    its a good thing they treat their kid as a normal kid...because inferiority also breeds from home...i had a realllyy fat frnd and she was so good at ething...she acted in plays,danced on stage, etc etc, only because of the confidence her parents gave her...obv this is diff from the current situation and i guess the differently abled children need different treatment so they can also enjoy stuff other kids do...u need to do wht u think i rt :)...and i didnt know uw ere married and have a kid!!!

     

  • At 3:51 PM, Blogger starry said…

    It is a very sensitive subject and obviously did not want anyone to know. In this day and age there is so much help out there like special ed classes and stuff and also support groups. I think maybe your husband can talk to her husband and suggest something. No mother wants to think her child is slow and especially if you have children of the same age it makes it more difficult.She may get defensive iy the subject is approached directly to her.It is good to treat the child as normally as possible but one cannot deny the fact that the child may need a little extra help.

     

  • At 3:43 AM, Blogger starry said…

    I tnink its good to treat the child as normal as possible but may need some special ed or something, it is a very sensitive subject and the mom may not want to discuss it. I am sure the parents will do what is necessary.

     

  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger smiley said…

    if i were a parent whose kids had down syndrome what would i do? mebbe i would just do the same as ur friend

     

  • At 6:54 AM, Blogger Syam said…

    if the kids mom is educated enough then she should have known about this and didn't want to accept the truth in front of others, if your hubby and her hubby can do something atleast that kid wouldn't get spoiled, its a real sensational issue and depends on the other person how she would take it while you open the topic...

     

  • At 1:00 PM, Blogger Scoot said…

    Don't compare the child to others.Children are gifts.Let them grow at their own pace.
    If we try to forcibly make them learn things,they will get frustrated and they will be unable to voice it.I know this so well
    Let the child take her own time at the milestones.Let them be themselves and let them be happy :)

     

  • At 10:41 PM, Blogger SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP said…

    Hey....Regards such issues..In most cases it is not because people are ignorant that they are sending her to a different attention school, wold not want ot label it as special as tht word itself makes one hurt. Society today is unwilling to be normal with people who have med problems in some way or the other. May not be you but others. My best bet would be that your hubby n you can talk about it to her hubby. That shows that you really care and you want ot be involved and help. Then ask her hubby if it is possible that his wife/your friend can talk about it as you dont want to go and talk of it first hand to her as she is going to be hurt but if her hubby prepares her and tells her that you mean well, maybe on a second meeting 4 of you can meet and have a talk...But have some constructive solid plan in mind..Dont say tht send to this school. Give the options and the facilities with a very logical n mature mind...This is not a crush case which one girlfriend discusses with another...This involves talking about a child, a child of a man and a woman and when you make suggestions, which you ought to, do it when both are there along with your hubby. A friends concern and a parents concern have different weightage in the case which includes another couple and their child...Later maybe if your friend needs some emotional time with you, just excuse yourself from the grop and two mothers can talk. Dont be judgemental and question then why didt they but be caring and tell them wht can be done n tht u r going to suport them...I hope this is ok if I told you my opinion on this
    All the best which ever way you take to reach out constructively.

     

  • At 1:28 AM, Blogger KC! said…

    hmm probably unga close friend-nradhala you can broach the subject slowly...aana take care she doesnt get hurt.

     

  • At 6:14 AM, Blogger srijithunni said…

    You say, she`s your close friend. In that case why not directly talk to her about it. About the child, about the problem and ask her how both of you together can handle the problem.

    With Regards,
    Srijith.

     

  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger chitra said…

    thanks for dropping by my site. i think the mother should be taken to a counsellor and should be taught to cope . it is a v. difficult task.

    Reminds me of a link which my friend had posted. you can share it with her.
    http://hyperlexia.org/bombeck.html

    nice little poem

    Best of luck!

     

  • At 8:06 PM, Blogger Priya said…

    Just being normal with the kid will make your friends happy. If we try to be little different from other kids, it will hurt her as it is her child.

    Just love the way she is and talk to her. You have to balance when your child grows up and share with your friends.
    Chk' out this site:
    http://www.nichd.nih.gov/publications/pubs/downsyndrome/down.htm

     

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